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Monday, August 8, 2011

What the Hell is it With Me and Old Men?

Last week, I was in a funk. A funk that had already lasted more than a week. Sullen, quiet, stupid. That didn't stop me from shopping for crap that I don't need though.

I'm standing in a relatively long line at the 99¢ Store. For those of you who may not know what that is, it's a large store filled with essentials and unnecessary crap, all at a grand total of 99¢ per item. It's also filled with people that you probably wouldn't talk to at any other time in your life. A store that you leave feeling like you've gotten some good deals but you go right home and take a shower because of where you had to go to get said deals. Anyway, 200 year old man standing in front of me with a handful of odd things. Milk, urinal cake, rat traps, cookies, etc. You know, the norm. Two people from the register, he turns to me and in a very loud voice says,

"Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" "No," she commented, "they're that dirty."

The store gets kinda quiet. I raised my eyebrows a bit. This guy told me another 20 extremely filthy jokes in rapid succession. No pause, no wait for the laugh, rapid fire dirty jokes. The place was like a tomb. Women covering their children's ears, cashiers mouths open wide, teenagers stifling giggles. Everyone looking at me like I was making this guy do this.

Finally, it was his turn at the register. He continued rattling off the raunchiest stuff ever while they rang him up. His stuff came up to a bit over $8. I told the cashier that his bill was on me.

How could I not? How much should it cost to be uplifted? I think around $8.


  1. I'd love to bump into Fozzie Bear at the Dollarama.

  2. Now that's funny! I've said before, there needs to be a international hand sign (like the peace sign or that other not so peaceful sign) for "Alzheimers... he's got Alzheimers, ignore him."